A Christmas Reminder

I can't deny that my Christmas has been nothing short of an elaborate list of to-dos. Yet in the midst of Christmas, I am reminded of the goodness of life, as I emailed an email to a friend of mine.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I deeply appreciate it. In fact, I felt a little down this morning after waking up. I took an extra long shower, and just emptied my mind. Yet, I still felt a little gloomy. I dried myself, put on fresh clothes, and walked out, telling myself that I'm not going to feel this way. I'm glad that I did just that. And then, just as I was about to check your apple pie recipe again, I opened my inbox to find your email, only to subsequently read it with tender care.

XXX, I'm not going to say that I know how or what you're feeling, or any that sort of nonsense. What I do know is that feelings tend to go up and down -- it's like a roller coaster. What I will also say is that these feelings are normal. In fact, at least for me, the shrills of going up, and then, descending down, is what makes life really exciting. If life is all about just the ups, I really wonder, could I truly appreaciate goodness in life? Perhaps, I might even end up a spoiled, complacent brat. So, without the gloominess of life, I don't think I would appreciate the good in life. Also, perhaps, I believe that if we can appreciate the good things in life here, it will definitely help us to appreacite them even more during the eternity to come!

Although the downs have been hurtful for me, still I try to thank God for each and every of these afflictions in my life. I believe that these pains in my life, although at times causes me to doubt in God, has made me grown as a person. I don't believe that God merely allow this things to happen in order that we might be disciplined, like a father disciplines his children (Hebrews 12), or that our faith is tested (i.e. Abraham). I also believe that He wants us to have a better picture of life, which is not lopsided. From what I can see in my own life, God has showed me that life is not one constantly filled with rainclouds, nor is it only filled with sunshiny blue skies.

However, it is always so easy to get carried away whenever we're faced with times of disappointment and negativity, in whole. Whenever that happens to me, I always thank God for friends, who are willing to give up themselves to drag me out of the murk. You've done that a couple of times -- and for that I thank God for you. In the end, when we've snapped out of it, we realize that our sadness, moodiness, and/or gloominess is really just temporary. It comes, and it goes. Sometimes, right after I snap out of my so-called "depression," I often realize that I've been selfish for feeling so. There's a million or so people out in the world who 'deserves' to feel this way, who yearns to feel this way, and yet they have to place these feelings aside to do, move, and work dictated by reality's cruelty, only to perhaps shed a single tear in the morning.

Anyway, I don't want to lecture you, XXX. As much as this is my thought to you, it is also my own thoughts to myself. I also trying to remind myself how good God has been to me. Well, before I end this, I'd like to share with you John 16:33: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. I this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Well, I don't have much else to say. May we remember the goodness of the life God has given to us as we remember the birth of the Savior.

Kempen Tak Mau Lipas

Alangkah masa lipas berundur. Kempen Tak Mau Lipas!!!

Cheezy no? Well, that's what we three Malaysians have planned to do. Lipas is the codename for our "super kawaii" friend's ex-boyfriend. We've been counseling this friend of our's, whose ex dumped her to seek out other relationships. Undeniably true, love is blind. After a while, the lipas slyly flies back to the girl, tormenting her, like a cockroach crawling behind your back without your knowledge.

So, our goal is to keep our friend from making the same mistakes again. Time to bring in some heavy duty Ridsect to elliminate the lipas.

When A Thief Strikes

Just the other day, I went swimming. Leaving my vest in the locker room, I jumped straight to the pool. The next 20 minutes, I came out of the pool, dried and dressed myself, and left for home. It wasn't until 4 days till I realized that something precious was stolen: my 80 gig iPod.

Searching high and wide for ブラック, or "Black," I slowly became manic when it could not be found. I kept telling myself that it must be somewhere -- just a matter of time till I find it. Yet, the more I kept staying in that mode, the more I became intoxicated with obsessive-compulsion. Couldn't find it anywhere, everywhere.

Thus, I kept heaping abuse at myself for my lack of careful attention for the precious things in life. But heaping burning coals on my head wasn't going to do anything. So, in the end, I tried going to sleep, as if my problems would disappear the next day. Predictably, I couldn't sleep. It was traumatic enough to know how careless I am, what more, I was bombarded with the prospect of studying without music. See, I just that kind of guy that can't study without music. With that in mind, I couldn't imagine college life without my mp3 player. It's a need, not a want.

Then, my arms curiously reached into the second pocket of my winter vest, hoping that my Dell thumbdrive would somehow be inside it. It wasn't. The thing with me is that I usually leave my iPod in the left pocket of the vest, while the thumbdrive inside the other. The fact that both devices seems to be missing coincidentally sounds suspicious altogether.

200 USD, the thought crops into my head. 200 Dollars. Fortunately, the thumbdrive is free and luckier still that I have already turned in my finals' paper, which file is within the device. Yet, despite all these, it still hurts to think about it. My privacy was violated, my things stolen, and my money wasted. What more, the thief could even plagarize my essay. Going to God in prayer, I poured out my feelings.

But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. Matthew 5:38-42

Dear God, it's just so easy to hear in theory, but doing what You ask is just so difficult. Can I even ask a benevolent God to forgive this wretch for ransaking my things, for taking what is not his/her? God, give me the courage and will to forgive!

Times A-Changing

Sometimes, I just lie down on my bed, and stare blankly at the ceiling. And I wonder and think about one absolute truth in this world: time flies fast. It's now the finals of my second semester in Abilene. Like what the heck? It hasn't been too long since I've left Malaysia. What's more disturbing is the fact that it's -3 °C inside my room. I HATE WINTER!

Then again, I guess I must be thankful for everything God has given to me. As time unfolds, His goodness becomes more apparent. A good example would be a friend, if not sister, of mine, Jazmin. I've only really gotten to know her this semester, and what's sad is that she will be transferring to another university next semester. Despite time being short, I am glad that God has given me the chance to get to know this awesome sister. Time may be short but the friendship established is more profound and deep than the time which couldn't afford it.

What more, it was a blessing to be able to experience the Hispanic culture through her. Over the thanksgiving break, three of us Malaysians -- Adrian, Elena and I -- went a-packing to a small town in southern Texas called Mission, where Jaz lives. We experienced a culture so different, and yet similar to what we often fail to describe as "Malaysian". There, we spent 5 days with her at her house. We have experienced what's quintessentially Hispanic, and yet, at the same time celebrate the epitome of most thing American, called "Thanksgiving".

Jazmin on the far left

I guess, even if it was a short trip overall, we had a blast there, not to mention shop like crazy during Black Friday, which was equivalent to the Mega Sales in Malaysia. Also, we had a chance to try out a dish that calls for chicken to be braised in a sauce made with chilies and chocolate.

As for Jaz, I guess I'll miss her sarcasm and her funny face. Yet, I believe that there is a reason for us to meet and know each other here in Abilene, and there's also a reason for her to transfer. I can only pray for her, and wish her all the best. What I've learned is that, as far as friendship goes, in most cases, good friends will always be remembered and cherished.

This brings me to another train of thought. To you, my friends in Malaysia, I miss y'all. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember you by. And Justin, that includes you. WELCOME HOME!!! I'm looking forward to be able to see you again.

As for me, I'm gonna go back into studying for my finals. It's killing me each and every single day. No air to breathe, I tell ya. I stayed up two whole days (mind you, without sleep) last week trying to study for a sociology test. And this week, not much different, staying up another 2 days just to finish a 2500 word essay. Gila man! Oh well, with sleep depravation clinging onto me, I guess I should call it a day.

PS: I really can't wait to go home. I can't wait to see the new and taller Judson.

The Kind of Stuffs I Make

I've been trying to find time to blog (*cough* brag) about the things that I've cooked so far. Unfortunately, most of the time, the very things that I whip up disappears in a matter of seconds. So, I've been trying to learn the art of capturing food shots faster than the hands that grabs.

Here's some of my attempt at making bento. I made some kimchi fried rice and some japchae. All I did is to put it into the appropriate container and, then, decorate it with some omelet. Notice the shape of the omelet. It doesn't look too good and I seem to have spelt my friend's name wrongly too. Bleh. At least the food tasted good.

Japchae

Kimchi bokkeumbap

Then, over the weekend, I made some pineapple tarts too. I wasn't sure if it would turn out the way it should, but it turned out so well that even people who hated pineapples couldn't resist eating it.

The Filling

The End Result

That's all for random blogging. ;)

Disillusionment

Currently, I am growing disillusioned with the church that I am attending. It’s been more than a semester since I started attending Beltway. I guess a lot of the reasons I chose this church in the first place was because I liked its lively, youthful atmosphere. I mean, what else could attract young people such as me than through booming music, theater-like atmosphere, slick cool sermons and tons of friends?

I used to be really quiet and reserved before coming to the States. Then, I changed. Poof! I became talkative, open and “extroverted”. Over last semester, I became really different (not just the looks, if you’d noticed).

This semester, however, I’m learning to appreciate quiet times and privacy. Aren’t you tired of people telling you that if you’re not out with people, you don’t have a life? Honestly, I’m here to declare that that’s nothing but the LIE of the devil! I’ve found out that there’s time for everything: time to be alone, and time to be with others (Ecclesiastes 3).

Knowing that, and realizing that I’m changing, yet again, I’m beginning to feel really disillusioned with the megachurch I’m attending. I’m starting to question my original motives for even attending the church. Yesterday, while the people around bunched up to pray in groups, I left the prayer abruptly. The doubts surfaced during the middle of the college group prayer meeting, rendering me to desire to just sit down and just think. Why am I even here? Why do I feel like I’m worshipping people rather than God? Am I attending this church just to feel good about myself?

My struggles really reflect one of the Footstool Player’s bygone dramas. If I remembered correctly, it’s the one with Dorothy (now happily married to Desmond! Congrats again, Des!) taking orders at McChurch’s drive thru, or something. That’s what I feel about the church I’m going. It’s like going to a restaurant, happily munching with people, without a shred of awe for the God who was, is and is to come.

If the friends, music and theatrics of this church are causing me to fall into idolatry, then I’m leaving. Although I sound all gung-ho, I have to disclose that this is a big decision, one which makes me anxious and fearful. So, as I pray for discernment and wisdom from God, people, friends, please do pray for me too! Blessings.

It's Gonna Be Temporary

It's gonna be temporary, says Caro.

I've just got a year older a few days ago, and it was most profound that I was emo during that day. I was deeply incapacitated to do anything these past few days. All I did was to avoid people, place myself in the library -- laboriously studying -- and talk as little as I could. I became estranged from God. In America, with all sorts of concepts running around, it's really hard to know what's truth anymore. There's no truth, in essence. That's what I hear around. Everything is subjective.

There's extremes on both sides. Telling a conservative friend about my struggles would only warrant me a that's-the-devil's-voice-so-don't-listen-to-it explanation. Going to a "liberal" friend, I would only become even more confused, when she tells me that there's really no way to proof God's existence. So, all I did was to beat around the bush. No way out, trapped. I felt angry, frustrated. What the heck am I doing here? Who am I? What's the point of just praying, reading the Bible? If God's just so far away, why even bother trying to please Him? I felt redundant, so purposeless. I suck, everyone suck. Die and burn, world!

As soon as I got really depressed, life went on and I calmed down over a few days. I began to talk to people, go back to my regular jogging and live life as best as I could. In this renewed state, I was not only able to function normally, but I could actually begin sorting why I was even depressed in the first place. It's kinda like tired Elijah who ran away from God, even after witnessing God's miraculous feat. I ran away from God, possibly due to the state of tiredness -- not just physical tiredness, but spiritual and emotional tiredness. Worse, in this state, I was confronted with a volley of different views and opinions, which clouded everything. Once I confined myself to just thinking, I have already set myself within a dungeon. Kah Wan once told me that humans were not built to be just thinking machines, but also organisms capable of spirituality and emotions. Humans are also physical beings, as well.

Now that I have relocated myself in quiet of the wilderness, God's whisper-like voice seems to be clearer. I was just reading Bonhoeffer's book, Cost of Discipleship. There's a wonderful poem that just sums up what I felt over these past few days:

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

Before reading this poem, a really good friend of mine, Caro, shared with me her testimony. She told me of how she was born a child to a single mother, whose husband left her for another woman. Caro, who's probably had worse miseries compared to me (or anyone else) had the say one night, when she told us that it's about a race. This race needs to be filled with prayers and with hope, because that will remind us just how temporary these feelings and doubts currently are, compared to the joy that we will ultimately have in the end.

I may not understand everything, but that's not really important. I just thank God for provision, that I have whatever it takes to get me to the next day. In the end, everything we experience here, our pain, fears, and doubts are just gonna be temporary.

It's gonna be temporary.