The Kind of Stuffs I Make

I've been trying to find time to blog (*cough* brag) about the things that I've cooked so far. Unfortunately, most of the time, the very things that I whip up disappears in a matter of seconds. So, I've been trying to learn the art of capturing food shots faster than the hands that grabs.

Here's some of my attempt at making bento. I made some kimchi fried rice and some japchae. All I did is to put it into the appropriate container and, then, decorate it with some omelet. Notice the shape of the omelet. It doesn't look too good and I seem to have spelt my friend's name wrongly too. Bleh. At least the food tasted good.

Japchae

Kimchi bokkeumbap

Then, over the weekend, I made some pineapple tarts too. I wasn't sure if it would turn out the way it should, but it turned out so well that even people who hated pineapples couldn't resist eating it.

The Filling

The End Result

That's all for random blogging. ;)

Disillusionment

Currently, I am growing disillusioned with the church that I am attending. It’s been more than a semester since I started attending Beltway. I guess a lot of the reasons I chose this church in the first place was because I liked its lively, youthful atmosphere. I mean, what else could attract young people such as me than through booming music, theater-like atmosphere, slick cool sermons and tons of friends?

I used to be really quiet and reserved before coming to the States. Then, I changed. Poof! I became talkative, open and “extroverted”. Over last semester, I became really different (not just the looks, if you’d noticed).

This semester, however, I’m learning to appreciate quiet times and privacy. Aren’t you tired of people telling you that if you’re not out with people, you don’t have a life? Honestly, I’m here to declare that that’s nothing but the LIE of the devil! I’ve found out that there’s time for everything: time to be alone, and time to be with others (Ecclesiastes 3).

Knowing that, and realizing that I’m changing, yet again, I’m beginning to feel really disillusioned with the megachurch I’m attending. I’m starting to question my original motives for even attending the church. Yesterday, while the people around bunched up to pray in groups, I left the prayer abruptly. The doubts surfaced during the middle of the college group prayer meeting, rendering me to desire to just sit down and just think. Why am I even here? Why do I feel like I’m worshipping people rather than God? Am I attending this church just to feel good about myself?

My struggles really reflect one of the Footstool Player’s bygone dramas. If I remembered correctly, it’s the one with Dorothy (now happily married to Desmond! Congrats again, Des!) taking orders at McChurch’s drive thru, or something. That’s what I feel about the church I’m going. It’s like going to a restaurant, happily munching with people, without a shred of awe for the God who was, is and is to come.

If the friends, music and theatrics of this church are causing me to fall into idolatry, then I’m leaving. Although I sound all gung-ho, I have to disclose that this is a big decision, one which makes me anxious and fearful. So, as I pray for discernment and wisdom from God, people, friends, please do pray for me too! Blessings.

It's Gonna Be Temporary

It's gonna be temporary, says Caro.

I've just got a year older a few days ago, and it was most profound that I was emo during that day. I was deeply incapacitated to do anything these past few days. All I did was to avoid people, place myself in the library -- laboriously studying -- and talk as little as I could. I became estranged from God. In America, with all sorts of concepts running around, it's really hard to know what's truth anymore. There's no truth, in essence. That's what I hear around. Everything is subjective.

There's extremes on both sides. Telling a conservative friend about my struggles would only warrant me a that's-the-devil's-voice-so-don't-listen-to-it explanation. Going to a "liberal" friend, I would only become even more confused, when she tells me that there's really no way to proof God's existence. So, all I did was to beat around the bush. No way out, trapped. I felt angry, frustrated. What the heck am I doing here? Who am I? What's the point of just praying, reading the Bible? If God's just so far away, why even bother trying to please Him? I felt redundant, so purposeless. I suck, everyone suck. Die and burn, world!

As soon as I got really depressed, life went on and I calmed down over a few days. I began to talk to people, go back to my regular jogging and live life as best as I could. In this renewed state, I was not only able to function normally, but I could actually begin sorting why I was even depressed in the first place. It's kinda like tired Elijah who ran away from God, even after witnessing God's miraculous feat. I ran away from God, possibly due to the state of tiredness -- not just physical tiredness, but spiritual and emotional tiredness. Worse, in this state, I was confronted with a volley of different views and opinions, which clouded everything. Once I confined myself to just thinking, I have already set myself within a dungeon. Kah Wan once told me that humans were not built to be just thinking machines, but also organisms capable of spirituality and emotions. Humans are also physical beings, as well.

Now that I have relocated myself in quiet of the wilderness, God's whisper-like voice seems to be clearer. I was just reading Bonhoeffer's book, Cost of Discipleship. There's a wonderful poem that just sums up what I felt over these past few days:

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

Before reading this poem, a really good friend of mine, Caro, shared with me her testimony. She told me of how she was born a child to a single mother, whose husband left her for another woman. Caro, who's probably had worse miseries compared to me (or anyone else) had the say one night, when she told us that it's about a race. This race needs to be filled with prayers and with hope, because that will remind us just how temporary these feelings and doubts currently are, compared to the joy that we will ultimately have in the end.

I may not understand everything, but that's not really important. I just thank God for provision, that I have whatever it takes to get me to the next day. In the end, everything we experience here, our pain, fears, and doubts are just gonna be temporary.

It's gonna be temporary.

Likes and Dislikes

15 minutes before my literature class starts and I decide to write something. Purely random but relevant.

Likes:
1) Sipping a hot cuppa coffee in the morning.
2) Staring at the vapors that I breathe out when it's cold.
3) Reading the Bible and looking at God in a new, fresh way.
4) Killing enemy scums in Halo 3 with friends.
5) Inventing fusion dishes.
6) Sleeping till it's 3 pm in the afternoon.
7) Going out during the night for a good run around campus.

Dislikes:
1) Drinking a cup of diluted coffee that won't wake me up in the morning.
2) Running in the cold, while my ears and face crinkles up, because I'm late to class.
3) Making God into religion and a set of rules of do-s and don't-s.
4) Having my hopes of having a 4-player co-op crushed when the controller from Walmart doesn't functions.
5) Nuclear explosion and diarrhea.
6) Waking up at 8 am every weekday for class.
7) Having a terrible run because of allergies.

Desert Wanderings

"At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert, and he was in the desert forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him." Mark 1:12-13

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

I get so frustrated with myself from time-to-time. It's easy to put up a fake smile, and go around pretending that everything is fine when it is not. I hate to give people the false impression that I don't struggle with any issues. Man, if people can only see how rotten I am in the inside.

I want to continue to be fervent and on fire for God. But the sad fact is, I've always end up making God into a list of do-s and don't-s, and then realizing later, very much later, that all He wants is for me to rely on Him for all that I need.

A big struggle of mine is that, many times, I choose to just turn away from God whenever I realize that I can't do anything to get things right by myself. I mean, what's the point of doing what is right when I know in the future, I will inevitably have some pitfalls, whether I want it or not. Call it kiasu-ness or whatever! I just hate it when I fall. I want a clean slate now and never ever be black listed. What's the point of trying to keep a clean slate when I know I can never keep it clean all the time. (Notice the italics?)

And funny thing is, when I choose to flee from God, He always end up being at the end of when I don't expect Him to be.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139:7-8)

Thankfully, I'm glad that God is constantly faithful. Even when I try to run away from Him, He always finds a way to woo me back into His wide, flung opened arms. It's just so often I get carried away, thinking it's all about me. God has a funny sense of humor to tell me that it's never about me first place, but it's about Him. Furthermore, He even claims that He'll "remember my sins no more". I'm just so glad that even though God knows I'm all rotten inside, He chooses to see me through Jesus. I'll never be worthy of Him, never be able to reach His standards, and never will be like Him, and He knows that. Yet, He comes close to those who know they are a mess. He didn't come for those who are well but those who needs to be healed. He came for us, for me.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

The Ajisai Asian Fashion Show

Last night was the debut of ACU's very first Asian Fashion Show. The show, which lasted for 2 whole hours, featured, mostly, modern and urban Asian clothing. The turn ups were pretty strong, and it was not surprising that many lined even through the exterior of Teague, where it was held.

I went to Teague a little past 7 pm, which was the time when the show was about to start. I was mostly busy because of my rushed schedule of making 'siew mai' for the show as well as trying to dye my hair brown for my get-up. Thankfully, some of my trustworthy and dependable friends aided me as I attempted to get things ready for the show. *Wipe sweat off brow* Being the cook, food server and mascot is not easy.

By the time I got to Teague, the place was crowded with I-don't-know-how-many-people-but-it-was-too-numerous-to-count, Elena and I snaked through the line, cut across hundreds of people and reached our food-dispenser corner. There we just served food and perhaps give people a good impression of Asian fashion. And as y'all know, I was cosplaying. Unfortunately, my hair color didn't change. It must have been God's will for my hair to remain black for the whole of eternity.


But whatever. As if anybody really watches Bleach nowadays... with all the fillers and stuff.

Well, back to the food-talk... Uh, I have to agree that the free food was never enough and we weren't able to demonstrate any sort of Jesus-power that night. The food was actually good, but it was really cheezy, if you know what I mean (cough... crab... cough... rangoon... ahem).

The show, long as it was, was actually quite short. I regretted that I had brought my glasses over to the show. I struggled to squint my eyes as small as I could, and yet failed to see anything. Now I know how the blind man, who saw people who looked like trees after the first time Jesus healed him, in the book of Mark, felt. Fortunately, I had Elena as my commentator that night. Unfortunately for y'all, I can't say much of the show as I didn't really watched it, with my eyes half-closed (or half-open) and yet not really seeing anything.

After the show had ended, some of my friends and I went for a little photo shooting for fun. *For all the glamor that Aizen receives, I feel personally that he doesn't have many cool poses and thank God for Elena who contributed ideas to make all these super-uber poses possible*

My Sister and I

"Hau Sang Loi" and I

Chigusa and Iki

My Teammate and I

Teammate strikes a pose for-the-win

South East Asians Only

Well, that's all for the fashion show, folks. Now, it's time for me to get back to bed and lament the fact that I caught the cold. Till next time. おならしてください。(Do translate the phrase)

いつでも、どこでも

いつでも、どこでも、
君は私を待ってくれている。
君はずっと待っている、
暗闇の中で、
あなたが泣いているのを聞いた。
泣かないで下さい！
いまここにいる、いつもここにいる。
絶対君は守ってくれる。
君はずっと待っている。
だから、心配しないで。
ほほ笑んでいてください、
いつでも、どこでも。