Desert Wanderings

"At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert, and he was in the desert forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him." Mark 1:12-13

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

I get so frustrated with myself from time-to-time. It's easy to put up a fake smile, and go around pretending that everything is fine when it is not. I hate to give people the false impression that I don't struggle with any issues. Man, if people can only see how rotten I am in the inside.

I want to continue to be fervent and on fire for God. But the sad fact is, I've always end up making God into a list of do-s and don't-s, and then realizing later, very much later, that all He wants is for me to rely on Him for all that I need.

A big struggle of mine is that, many times, I choose to just turn away from God whenever I realize that I can't do anything to get things right by myself. I mean, what's the point of doing what is right when I know in the future, I will inevitably have some pitfalls, whether I want it or not. Call it kiasu-ness or whatever! I just hate it when I fall. I want a clean slate now and never ever be black listed. What's the point of trying to keep a clean slate when I know I can never keep it clean all the time. (Notice the italics?)

And funny thing is, when I choose to flee from God, He always end up being at the end of when I don't expect Him to be.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139:7-8)

Thankfully, I'm glad that God is constantly faithful. Even when I try to run away from Him, He always finds a way to woo me back into His wide, flung opened arms. It's just so often I get carried away, thinking it's all about me. God has a funny sense of humor to tell me that it's never about me first place, but it's about Him. Furthermore, He even claims that He'll "remember my sins no more". I'm just so glad that even though God knows I'm all rotten inside, He chooses to see me through Jesus. I'll never be worthy of Him, never be able to reach His standards, and never will be like Him, and He knows that. Yet, He comes close to those who know they are a mess. He didn't come for those who are well but those who needs to be healed. He came for us, for me.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner!