Desert Wanderings

"At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert, and he was in the desert forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him." Mark 1:12-13

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

I get so frustrated with myself from time-to-time. It's easy to put up a fake smile, and go around pretending that everything is fine when it is not. I hate to give people the false impression that I don't struggle with any issues. Man, if people can only see how rotten I am in the inside.

I want to continue to be fervent and on fire for God. But the sad fact is, I've always end up making God into a list of do-s and don't-s, and then realizing later, very much later, that all He wants is for me to rely on Him for all that I need.

A big struggle of mine is that, many times, I choose to just turn away from God whenever I realize that I can't do anything to get things right by myself. I mean, what's the point of doing what is right when I know in the future, I will inevitably have some pitfalls, whether I want it or not. Call it kiasu-ness or whatever! I just hate it when I fall. I want a clean slate now and never ever be black listed. What's the point of trying to keep a clean slate when I know I can never keep it clean all the time. (Notice the italics?)

And funny thing is, when I choose to flee from God, He always end up being at the end of when I don't expect Him to be.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139:7-8)

Thankfully, I'm glad that God is constantly faithful. Even when I try to run away from Him, He always finds a way to woo me back into His wide, flung opened arms. It's just so often I get carried away, thinking it's all about me. God has a funny sense of humor to tell me that it's never about me first place, but it's about Him. Furthermore, He even claims that He'll "remember my sins no more". I'm just so glad that even though God knows I'm all rotten inside, He chooses to see me through Jesus. I'll never be worthy of Him, never be able to reach His standards, and never will be like Him, and He knows that. Yet, He comes close to those who know they are a mess. He didn't come for those who are well but those who needs to be healed. He came for us, for me.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

The God Who Spoke

I was away over last weekend for a church retreat. Well, truthfully, even though I am studying in a Christian university and I proclaim to be a Christian, to some extent, I am not a person overly fond of being overly spiritual. Gosh, that sounds like blasphemy, but, honestly, my love for God had grown cold over the years. So, when my friend invited me to the retreat, my initial reaction was a firm "no". And there came the moment when the Lord of the universe chose to confront me and despite being skeptical, I paid 60 bucks and took the leap of faith.

Shipped over a mosquito-ridden part of Texas called Brownwood, the first event that we had was a Friday night worship service, complete with the usual heart-thumping, repetitive lyrics-abusing music and an inspirational, if not charismatic sermon (and when I say "charismatic", think charismatic *wink, wink*). The service ended with an equally awkward "laying of hands" ritual where we went up to the life group leaders, as well as the preacher, "having them pray over us", as they said. Though I was reluctant, I went nonetheless. OK, the experience having to go through the narrow line of people lining my left and right, with their hands outstretch over my shoulders, arms and head, was WEIRD. Then, I listened to their prayers. "Lord, renew this man's walk with you", "Lord, melt the doubt that this man has", "Father, show this man how much you love him and how precious he is in your sight". . . I walked further through the passageway of people and then the preacher placed his palm all the way to my chest and prayed, "Lord, in Jesus' name, remove from this young man the coldness of his heart". I have not felt so convicted all my life. This are a bunch of people that I don't even know and they were praying for things that I so wanted to pray about. I didn't weep, but deeply, I wept. God in His infinite wisdom spoke and I fell on His feet and worshiped Him.

I recommitted my life to Jesus again that weekend. It's amazing how faithful God is. I'm amazed that He still loved me even when I had sinned against Him countlessly.

If we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.
2 Timothy 2:13

But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense -- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.
1 John 2:1

Well, my story didn't actually ended up like that. The next day, I was half expecting myself to slip back into my old "tidak apa" self. God was not about to let that happen to me, fortunately. During that night's worship service, a friend of mine, Chigusa, who wasn't a Christian, went out of the chapel. She came back after 20 minutes and I asked her, "Daijoubu, desu ka?", which means, "Are you OK?". She answered me, "Tabun", meaning, "Maybe". After 10 minutes, she decided to go out again and this time, I decided to follow her outside. I wasn't sure why I did so, but I felt that God was tugging on my heart and I went.

There she was, on the front porch of the chapel's steps. She was crying. I went towards her, my right arm over her back. We started talking and while listening to her, I told God, within the depths of my heart, "I don't know what I should do". In our conversation, we talked about Chigusa's struggles: wanting to know more about God, relationships, and studies. She told me her about insecurities and how she wanted to become a Christian but due to so-and-so reason, as well as some fears, she was uncertain about making that decision. If you knew Chigusa as I did, you would have known that she is not somebody that is at all interested in God and under the starry night sky, she told me that she started to believe in God.

I wasn't sure what I should say but I knew that God was talking to her. Actually, a lot of the time in the worship service, she would take out her dictionary to check out a list of Christian words she couldn't understand, such as "grace, blessedness, hosanna and etc". I didn't know what to say to her and yet at that very moment, God gave me the words to provide comfort to Chigusa and, subsequently, ask her if she wanted to invite Christ into her life. To cut the story short, in the end, Chigusa made the decision to pray the sinner's prayer with me.

I am just completely amazed at God's work within me and through me. Seriously, I never would have thought that He would even want to use me to reach out to others. I mean, I've been thinking about myself all this while, and yet God brought me out of that mentality, to think about others. Just imagine if God didn't move me to go to the retreat. Would Chigusa confess Jesus as her Lord and Savior? There is just no words sufficient to tell of what God is currently doing in my life. Great is the love that the Father has for me.