Disillusionment

Currently, I am growing disillusioned with the church that I am attending. It’s been more than a semester since I started attending Beltway. I guess a lot of the reasons I chose this church in the first place was because I liked its lively, youthful atmosphere. I mean, what else could attract young people such as me than through booming music, theater-like atmosphere, slick cool sermons and tons of friends?

I used to be really quiet and reserved before coming to the States. Then, I changed. Poof! I became talkative, open and “extroverted”. Over last semester, I became really different (not just the looks, if you’d noticed).

This semester, however, I’m learning to appreciate quiet times and privacy. Aren’t you tired of people telling you that if you’re not out with people, you don’t have a life? Honestly, I’m here to declare that that’s nothing but the LIE of the devil! I’ve found out that there’s time for everything: time to be alone, and time to be with others (Ecclesiastes 3).

Knowing that, and realizing that I’m changing, yet again, I’m beginning to feel really disillusioned with the megachurch I’m attending. I’m starting to question my original motives for even attending the church. Yesterday, while the people around bunched up to pray in groups, I left the prayer abruptly. The doubts surfaced during the middle of the college group prayer meeting, rendering me to desire to just sit down and just think. Why am I even here? Why do I feel like I’m worshipping people rather than God? Am I attending this church just to feel good about myself?

My struggles really reflect one of the Footstool Player’s bygone dramas. If I remembered correctly, it’s the one with Dorothy (now happily married to Desmond! Congrats again, Des!) taking orders at McChurch’s drive thru, or something. That’s what I feel about the church I’m going. It’s like going to a restaurant, happily munching with people, without a shred of awe for the God who was, is and is to come.

If the friends, music and theatrics of this church are causing me to fall into idolatry, then I’m leaving. Although I sound all gung-ho, I have to disclose that this is a big decision, one which makes me anxious and fearful. So, as I pray for discernment and wisdom from God, people, friends, please do pray for me too! Blessings.