4 minutes to 12

What can I write in four minutes, I wonder?

Being a student, it is no longer an alien custom to sleep past 12 every single day. Well, 3 more minutes, nope, actually 2 more. My eyes are dry, going to bed now, and waking up at 8. Typical life of a student. Exciting.

Time's up. It's 12 am.

Dream

Ok, call me an insolent prick, or an irrational idealist. But don't shoot me down... just yet.

I've, of late, been praying, considering the prospect of going to Japan to work. I can already predict the random thoughts flying about. Whatever, man. As if it's gonna be that easy! Oh, let him just dream on~

If there is anything that has been exciting of late, it is definitely this big ambition of mine. I've never quite understood how or even why I have developed this crazy idea in the first place. Coming to the US with nothing but a vague dream of becoming a writer one day, it has never occurred to me to consider going to Japan to teach English, much less becoming a missionary. As much as it is crazy to all of you, it is shocking to me too. It's been quite a turn of events, but for once, I'm beginning to see how my talents and gifts can possibly be used in the future.

Of course, I have my doubts. Yet, I continue to pray and seek God in this matter. So before shooting me down, a word of encouragement, of prayer, or otherwise, a great listening ear would be of great worth. In fact, these are worth more than tongues tainted with reality-check venom.

Trust me, I've been too easily labeled as a fanatic, a lunatic and/or an extremist. But whatever the deal is, this is something important to me, something I want to cultivate and develop, and something I would like you all to pray for. I know, it sounds crazy. Heck, I find it the most absurd ambition ever. Yet, if this is what God wants me to do, I will gladly offer myself to Him. And if this is God's will for me, I'm pretty sure He'll give me everything that I'll need, and all I've just got to do is to thrust all my dependence unto Him.

For now, anyone reading this, please just be considerate and understand that I've taken a whole year to figure out all of this. It didn't come creep into my skull in the brief of a minute. No, it has squandered nights after nights, petition after petition, and it has challenged me to do the least desirable. Ah, the humor of God dragging His children out from the peace of their comfort zone, and dumping them into a pile of mess, only to walk with them in the chaos without them knowing it. What a precocious God, if I can say so myself! (God forgive me for such blasphemy! I repent!) Yes, without much explanation, that is the summarized version of what I've experienced over the last year.

Now, now... my major is still English (and I don't intend to change it, so please just don't comment about it anymore than it deserve!), and I currently attend a Japanese Bible class with a few American missionaries, who went to Japan many years ago. Of course, I'm still fumbling with the language, but I have to say, I'm doing pretty well. Eh, hard work, you know! 1 year of self-education, and constant self-deprecation in front of native-speakers. Apart from that I also plan to enroll in language school during the summer to pick up kanji, if possible.

Well, before I end this, I'd just wanted to share with you what my missionary friend told me. This is a reply when I told him that I wished God had made me a Caucasian American:

"See Huang, as an American going to Japan, I feel that we Americans go there as people of power -- having defeated the Japanese in the war. Although the Japanese generally respect us, our respect is due only because we were victorious against them. However, if you were to go to Japan, you are not only going there as, what you called yourself, a "lower-class" Asian, but also in a position of weakness and humility, having been the conquered people of the then oppressive Japanese. What more, you're going there to serve these people, who used to be your enemies. So, this parallel with a lot of who Jesus is. Remember Isaiah 53, that Jesus did not have anything to attract men to Himself? Similarly, if you go to Japan, your testimony is more valid, more powerful than ours. We earned their respect, but our testimony doesn't match our "status". However with you, the Japanese would ask, 'Why would the people we have persecuted come over to help us?' Do you catch what I'm trying to tell you? For all you know, God has specific reasons to have you to be born as a Chinese in Malaysia, handcrafted to be a tool of witnessing to the Japanese."

An Empty Bank Account

There's a time to minister, and there's a time to be ministered. Often, we've been told that it is good to give. Have we often heard of the opposite? That it is good to receive? When our culture is so eminent with the spirit of paiseh-ness, no wonder we find it hard to receive anything given to us unconditionally, without shrinking back, sometimes even possibly retort aggressively, "Oh, you shouldn't have!".

Well, school has already started about two weeks ago. OK, before I can proceed to saying anything intelligible, let me let you into my little private world in this little place called Abilene. Here, almost every night, I open my doors to friends to come over to have dinner with my roommate and I. Part of this, so called "ministry" is to build bridges in order to share the gospel with many of our friends who aren't Christians. So, though this little "kenduri" of ours, we have managed to reach out to people, getting acquainted with them. One of these friends is none other than Chigusa, who accepted the Lord last year.

I've been doing this for sometime now, and I'm been blessed that despite all of this, I am able to still maintain my finances pretty tight. Well, good thing that cooking is a relatively cheap hobby here in the US. Heheh.... ^_^;

Anyway, with bridges built, many of my friends turn to me to have their life straightened out. Imagine Freud. Trying to be the superman (or the super Christian) that I am not, I gave myself to others, hoping that my help might somehow in turn lead them to knowing God more. I won't call it an evangelism out-reach ministry, but well, it's the ultimate goal that I always hope to fulfill. However, being carried away with just giving, I have forgotten that I, too, needed to receive.

Nonetheless, knowing that I have very little left in the bank account of my heart, I was too proud to accept any help from others. I continued in trying to do everything by myself, and in the end, I burned out.

Now, you can imagine just how much work it is to balance out my now hectic life, evident through my lack of blogging. I not only have to cook for a bunch of people, but I also had to listen and talk to people who needed help, while studying all at the same time. I realized that, even in my enthusiasm to do God's work, it's easy to just give, and pride myself with not wanting to receive. Furthermore, I guess it's easy to get carried away with trying to be the lone wolf of God. Living the Christian life, while trying to be the superman of God is not just impossible, it is a form of idolatry, trying to leave God out of the equation, thinking you could do things by your own strength.

Back to paiseh-ness. If there is just one thing I'd like to remove from my system right now, it would be that of being paiseh. While the world out there have intentionally rejected Jesus' free gift, I have something to say: we as Christians are no better. With lips we claim to receive Jesus' gift, but our actions directly contradict that. I have realized that in my own life -- how I am just so proud to want to receive anything. Receiving is just as important than giving. Mankind can still choose to give abundantly, while possibly at the same time deny the Christ, only to land into the depths of hell.

We've all heard of the Dead Sea, which keeps receiving but never gives, and because of that, it very salty. Well, if we give too much, we're going to end up penniless. Anyway, I leave you all with a provoking thought: it's time to check your balance.

A Time to Breathe

Finally, just a moment of peace. I'm so glad that Christmas is over. No more party planning, no more people rampaging down my house. Just a time to be alone with God.

Times A-Changing

Sometimes, I just lie down on my bed, and stare blankly at the ceiling. And I wonder and think about one absolute truth in this world: time flies fast. It's now the finals of my second semester in Abilene. Like what the heck? It hasn't been too long since I've left Malaysia. What's more disturbing is the fact that it's -3 °C inside my room. I HATE WINTER!

Then again, I guess I must be thankful for everything God has given to me. As time unfolds, His goodness becomes more apparent. A good example would be a friend, if not sister, of mine, Jazmin. I've only really gotten to know her this semester, and what's sad is that she will be transferring to another university next semester. Despite time being short, I am glad that God has given me the chance to get to know this awesome sister. Time may be short but the friendship established is more profound and deep than the time which couldn't afford it.

What more, it was a blessing to be able to experience the Hispanic culture through her. Over the thanksgiving break, three of us Malaysians -- Adrian, Elena and I -- went a-packing to a small town in southern Texas called Mission, where Jaz lives. We experienced a culture so different, and yet similar to what we often fail to describe as "Malaysian". There, we spent 5 days with her at her house. We have experienced what's quintessentially Hispanic, and yet, at the same time celebrate the epitome of most thing American, called "Thanksgiving".

Jazmin on the far left

I guess, even if it was a short trip overall, we had a blast there, not to mention shop like crazy during Black Friday, which was equivalent to the Mega Sales in Malaysia. Also, we had a chance to try out a dish that calls for chicken to be braised in a sauce made with chilies and chocolate.

As for Jaz, I guess I'll miss her sarcasm and her funny face. Yet, I believe that there is a reason for us to meet and know each other here in Abilene, and there's also a reason for her to transfer. I can only pray for her, and wish her all the best. What I've learned is that, as far as friendship goes, in most cases, good friends will always be remembered and cherished.

This brings me to another train of thought. To you, my friends in Malaysia, I miss y'all. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember you by. And Justin, that includes you. WELCOME HOME!!! I'm looking forward to be able to see you again.

As for me, I'm gonna go back into studying for my finals. It's killing me each and every single day. No air to breathe, I tell ya. I stayed up two whole days (mind you, without sleep) last week trying to study for a sociology test. And this week, not much different, staying up another 2 days just to finish a 2500 word essay. Gila man! Oh well, with sleep depravation clinging onto me, I guess I should call it a day.

PS: I really can't wait to go home. I can't wait to see the new and taller Judson.

Disillusionment

Currently, I am growing disillusioned with the church that I am attending. It’s been more than a semester since I started attending Beltway. I guess a lot of the reasons I chose this church in the first place was because I liked its lively, youthful atmosphere. I mean, what else could attract young people such as me than through booming music, theater-like atmosphere, slick cool sermons and tons of friends?

I used to be really quiet and reserved before coming to the States. Then, I changed. Poof! I became talkative, open and “extroverted”. Over last semester, I became really different (not just the looks, if you’d noticed).

This semester, however, I’m learning to appreciate quiet times and privacy. Aren’t you tired of people telling you that if you’re not out with people, you don’t have a life? Honestly, I’m here to declare that that’s nothing but the LIE of the devil! I’ve found out that there’s time for everything: time to be alone, and time to be with others (Ecclesiastes 3).

Knowing that, and realizing that I’m changing, yet again, I’m beginning to feel really disillusioned with the megachurch I’m attending. I’m starting to question my original motives for even attending the church. Yesterday, while the people around bunched up to pray in groups, I left the prayer abruptly. The doubts surfaced during the middle of the college group prayer meeting, rendering me to desire to just sit down and just think. Why am I even here? Why do I feel like I’m worshipping people rather than God? Am I attending this church just to feel good about myself?

My struggles really reflect one of the Footstool Player’s bygone dramas. If I remembered correctly, it’s the one with Dorothy (now happily married to Desmond! Congrats again, Des!) taking orders at McChurch’s drive thru, or something. That’s what I feel about the church I’m going. It’s like going to a restaurant, happily munching with people, without a shred of awe for the God who was, is and is to come.

If the friends, music and theatrics of this church are causing me to fall into idolatry, then I’m leaving. Although I sound all gung-ho, I have to disclose that this is a big decision, one which makes me anxious and fearful. So, as I pray for discernment and wisdom from God, people, friends, please do pray for me too! Blessings.

It's Gonna Be Temporary

It's gonna be temporary, says Caro.

I've just got a year older a few days ago, and it was most profound that I was emo during that day. I was deeply incapacitated to do anything these past few days. All I did was to avoid people, place myself in the library -- laboriously studying -- and talk as little as I could. I became estranged from God. In America, with all sorts of concepts running around, it's really hard to know what's truth anymore. There's no truth, in essence. That's what I hear around. Everything is subjective.

There's extremes on both sides. Telling a conservative friend about my struggles would only warrant me a that's-the-devil's-voice-so-don't-listen-to-it explanation. Going to a "liberal" friend, I would only become even more confused, when she tells me that there's really no way to proof God's existence. So, all I did was to beat around the bush. No way out, trapped. I felt angry, frustrated. What the heck am I doing here? Who am I? What's the point of just praying, reading the Bible? If God's just so far away, why even bother trying to please Him? I felt redundant, so purposeless. I suck, everyone suck. Die and burn, world!

As soon as I got really depressed, life went on and I calmed down over a few days. I began to talk to people, go back to my regular jogging and live life as best as I could. In this renewed state, I was not only able to function normally, but I could actually begin sorting why I was even depressed in the first place. It's kinda like tired Elijah who ran away from God, even after witnessing God's miraculous feat. I ran away from God, possibly due to the state of tiredness -- not just physical tiredness, but spiritual and emotional tiredness. Worse, in this state, I was confronted with a volley of different views and opinions, which clouded everything. Once I confined myself to just thinking, I have already set myself within a dungeon. Kah Wan once told me that humans were not built to be just thinking machines, but also organisms capable of spirituality and emotions. Humans are also physical beings, as well.

Now that I have relocated myself in quiet of the wilderness, God's whisper-like voice seems to be clearer. I was just reading Bonhoeffer's book, Cost of Discipleship. There's a wonderful poem that just sums up what I felt over these past few days:

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me

I stepped from my cell’s confinement

Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I used to speak to my warders

Freely and friendly and clearly,

As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I bore the days of misfortune

Equally, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I myself know of myself?

Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

Struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,

Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

Tossing in expectation of great events,

Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,

Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

Before reading this poem, a really good friend of mine, Caro, shared with me her testimony. She told me of how she was born a child to a single mother, whose husband left her for another woman. Caro, who's probably had worse miseries compared to me (or anyone else) had the say one night, when she told us that it's about a race. This race needs to be filled with prayers and with hope, because that will remind us just how temporary these feelings and doubts currently are, compared to the joy that we will ultimately have in the end.

I may not understand everything, but that's not really important. I just thank God for provision, that I have whatever it takes to get me to the next day. In the end, everything we experience here, our pain, fears, and doubts are just gonna be temporary.

It's gonna be temporary.

Likes and Dislikes

15 minutes before my literature class starts and I decide to write something. Purely random but relevant.

Likes:
1) Sipping a hot cuppa coffee in the morning.
2) Staring at the vapors that I breathe out when it's cold.
3) Reading the Bible and looking at God in a new, fresh way.
4) Killing enemy scums in Halo 3 with friends.
5) Inventing fusion dishes.
6) Sleeping till it's 3 pm in the afternoon.
7) Going out during the night for a good run around campus.

Dislikes:
1) Drinking a cup of diluted coffee that won't wake me up in the morning.
2) Running in the cold, while my ears and face crinkles up, because I'm late to class.
3) Making God into religion and a set of rules of do-s and don't-s.
4) Having my hopes of having a 4-player co-op crushed when the controller from Walmart doesn't functions.
5) Nuclear explosion and diarrhea.
6) Waking up at 8 am every weekday for class.
7) Having a terrible run because of allergies.

Wait

Just a simple act can make a person's day. No words used, only a kind gesture. No hugs nor fake pretentious conversations.

A little patience goes a long way and waiting for someone brings a smile.

Bumping into a friend of mine at night, I stop by to have a 20 second chat with him only to cut the conversation short by uttering a rude 'excuse me'. Going off to fetch my bike, I decided to drop by a friend's work place nearby to say hi to her. Not realizing that time flew by, I decided to head home. Seated on my bike, I paddled a little before realizing that I've made a friend wait for me. I felt like stabbing myself that very moment when I saw in the dark the silhouette of a meditative Nobuki.

What grace that the friend still remained a friend and not angry, no less. Humbled, I walked him all the way to the library, uttering a smothered-sounding "mate kurete arigatou" (thanks for waiting for me).

Q&A time:
Q: Would I have been so patient, waiting for a friend?
A: Maybe not.

Life and Death Issue

I've been trying to ransack my brain these past few weeks just to write something of worth. Unfortunately, my classes are keeping me so unkempt to the point that I don't have time for myself, let alone to blog. But, it's a commitment issue and I've got to deal with it. Well, today in class, something struck me real hard -- like a memorable Monday night barely a summer ago, where a tennis ball smashed into my right temple.

Art introduction class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8 am is hardly the subject to get me high in the morning. But today, an artwork that was introduced captured my attention.

Magdelen with the Smoking Flame

Being the complete banana that I am, I can't and don't interpret art very well. I was like, what's the skull there for? But as I later know, the skull represents mortality and after her encounter with Jesus, Mary Magdelen 'recounted her sins and pondered in the darkness'.

It's not everyday that I consistently recognize my own mortality and I guess the danger in doing so is that I waste so much of my life on trivial and vain matters, forgetting what that really means much in life. I mean, people don't just die of cancer and diseases. There are people who just drop dead in the streets. Only God knows when our time is up. Really now, it's time to wake up and realize that each day is precious and that there's a reason why we're even waking up every morning (people do die in their sleep, you know...). So, God, thank you that I woke up this morning. May you help me to live each day as if I'm dying.