Tougher Than a Cockroach

Over the past 3 weeks, I not only survived the coldness of Minnesota, but also a week-long food poisoning as well as a few major exams, while barely cutting it close for two speeches. Yup, I'm alive, a-kicking, and a-running. For some reasons, coming out of these series of hurdles reminds me of the humble cockroach. As weird as it sounds, I think it's quite appropriate that I think of myself as a "lipas". I mean, I did survive from the chilly winter of Minnesota (cockroaches don't usually thrive in cold places, btw, so that makes me more adaptable than them, no?), and food poisoning from McDonald's did not kill me, and a physiological psychology test did not render me unconscious. Therefore, it's only justified that I equate myself to life's most adaptable and resilient creature, the cockroach. So, come on, bring it on!

Break

One have to wonder why the word "break" is used to convey a general understanding of what people all know as rest or holiday (another word that I will attempt to dissect one day). When one says he is going to "take a break," he means that he is going to rest or relax. When the term "spring break" is used, it often means a week-long holiday marking the end of winter, or the beginning of spring. Now, just why would break take on such positive meanings when it almost always convey brokenness in many other contexts?

Well, perhaps, we all need a break, or a spring break -- just an interruption in normalcy, a broken net to free us, even if it is just a little bit, from being too tied up to our strings (aren't we all somewhat like puppets, tied to strings, made to dance at fancy by our schedules?). Just a little hole, a break is good for the soul. No wonder Jesus often takes time off from the group from time-to-time.

May this spring break be a good time for us (who are studying in America, or anywhere else that has a spring break) rest. For the rest of you who do not have the privilege of a spring break, just hang in there! To St. Paul, Minnesota I GO!!! Brrr.

Gratefulness

Kinda funny that I thought about something really so irrelevant to college life last week. I thought of raising my own kids in the United States in the future. I mean, why not? They will have greater access to reputable education (screw our secondary school sejarah), be able to get better paying jobs here, and etc, etc. Nonetheless, I do not want my children to be American -- American in culture, American in attitude. With everything provided for, many American kids are, sadly, very lackadaisical. For instance, just observe my university. Many students come to class, hoping to only pass the class. 1800 USD for an individual class. Do the calculation into Ringgit.

I tutored a student the other day. She had a paper due the next day, and she had even hardly begun doing anything. Although I did all I could to help her, I felt angry that she did not even put any effort in trying to write her essay. It's not a hard thing to do, so why flunk a class that costed your parents 1800 USD. For the most part, I practically wrote the paper for her. For such a developed country, America sure does produce a lot of people who take for granted many of her priveleges.

Yet, are we really that different too? Well, I think most Malaysians truly value education (no wonder why our parents are always trying to ship us into an educational institution right after secondary school). But, I can't say that for sure about food. With a wide array of delicious food, I can't deny we're spoiled for choice. Funny ain't it, that we can head up to Asia Cafe, and yet find that there's no food there. Try coming to this side of America, where there's only Little Panda, which serves mediocrity with a price overblown price tag.

In order to prove my point, let's look at our common ignorance by observing the easily available (and obtainable) morning breakfast, tau sar pau. For something that costs us 80 sen, or more, depending on where you get it, we'd just buy them pau-s, and reheat them conveniently at home before eating. Have we ever stop and think how hard it actually is to make those? For a bite of scrumptious hot pau filled with warm melt-in-mouth tau sar, the person who made it had to prepare the pastry, and then labor for hours just to make the tau sar (if you happen to buy in a reputable seller, they, most often than not, make their filling from scratch), just to sell them for a price not even a fraction of what they had worked. All we do is to just plop those little buggers into our mouth without even a thought. I made those darn pau-s this morning, so I kinda understand how those pau auntie or uncle would have felt. Actually I made only 7 of them, only to find myself losing appetite after I finished making them.

2 hours of hard work to get so little red bean paste.

Even the pau-s did not look flat like the ones we would usually buy in Malaysia

I guess in the end, nobody really can escape from taking things for granted. It's just the way we are made. Better be aware, next time, of the things we are currently taking for granted, before they're taken away from us. Be grateful.

4 minutes to 12

What can I write in four minutes, I wonder?

Being a student, it is no longer an alien custom to sleep past 12 every single day. Well, 3 more minutes, nope, actually 2 more. My eyes are dry, going to bed now, and waking up at 8. Typical life of a student. Exciting.

Time's up. It's 12 am.

Dream

Ok, call me an insolent prick, or an irrational idealist. But don't shoot me down... just yet.

I've, of late, been praying, considering the prospect of going to Japan to work. I can already predict the random thoughts flying about. Whatever, man. As if it's gonna be that easy! Oh, let him just dream on~

If there is anything that has been exciting of late, it is definitely this big ambition of mine. I've never quite understood how or even why I have developed this crazy idea in the first place. Coming to the US with nothing but a vague dream of becoming a writer one day, it has never occurred to me to consider going to Japan to teach English, much less becoming a missionary. As much as it is crazy to all of you, it is shocking to me too. It's been quite a turn of events, but for once, I'm beginning to see how my talents and gifts can possibly be used in the future.

Of course, I have my doubts. Yet, I continue to pray and seek God in this matter. So before shooting me down, a word of encouragement, of prayer, or otherwise, a great listening ear would be of great worth. In fact, these are worth more than tongues tainted with reality-check venom.

Trust me, I've been too easily labeled as a fanatic, a lunatic and/or an extremist. But whatever the deal is, this is something important to me, something I want to cultivate and develop, and something I would like you all to pray for. I know, it sounds crazy. Heck, I find it the most absurd ambition ever. Yet, if this is what God wants me to do, I will gladly offer myself to Him. And if this is God's will for me, I'm pretty sure He'll give me everything that I'll need, and all I've just got to do is to thrust all my dependence unto Him.

For now, anyone reading this, please just be considerate and understand that I've taken a whole year to figure out all of this. It didn't come creep into my skull in the brief of a minute. No, it has squandered nights after nights, petition after petition, and it has challenged me to do the least desirable. Ah, the humor of God dragging His children out from the peace of their comfort zone, and dumping them into a pile of mess, only to walk with them in the chaos without them knowing it. What a precocious God, if I can say so myself! (God forgive me for such blasphemy! I repent!) Yes, without much explanation, that is the summarized version of what I've experienced over the last year.

Now, now... my major is still English (and I don't intend to change it, so please just don't comment about it anymore than it deserve!), and I currently attend a Japanese Bible class with a few American missionaries, who went to Japan many years ago. Of course, I'm still fumbling with the language, but I have to say, I'm doing pretty well. Eh, hard work, you know! 1 year of self-education, and constant self-deprecation in front of native-speakers. Apart from that I also plan to enroll in language school during the summer to pick up kanji, if possible.

Well, before I end this, I'd just wanted to share with you what my missionary friend told me. This is a reply when I told him that I wished God had made me a Caucasian American:

"See Huang, as an American going to Japan, I feel that we Americans go there as people of power -- having defeated the Japanese in the war. Although the Japanese generally respect us, our respect is due only because we were victorious against them. However, if you were to go to Japan, you are not only going there as, what you called yourself, a "lower-class" Asian, but also in a position of weakness and humility, having been the conquered people of the then oppressive Japanese. What more, you're going there to serve these people, who used to be your enemies. So, this parallel with a lot of who Jesus is. Remember Isaiah 53, that Jesus did not have anything to attract men to Himself? Similarly, if you go to Japan, your testimony is more valid, more powerful than ours. We earned their respect, but our testimony doesn't match our "status". However with you, the Japanese would ask, 'Why would the people we have persecuted come over to help us?' Do you catch what I'm trying to tell you? For all you know, God has specific reasons to have you to be born as a Chinese in Malaysia, handcrafted to be a tool of witnessing to the Japanese."

An Empty Bank Account

There's a time to minister, and there's a time to be ministered. Often, we've been told that it is good to give. Have we often heard of the opposite? That it is good to receive? When our culture is so eminent with the spirit of paiseh-ness, no wonder we find it hard to receive anything given to us unconditionally, without shrinking back, sometimes even possibly retort aggressively, "Oh, you shouldn't have!".

Well, school has already started about two weeks ago. OK, before I can proceed to saying anything intelligible, let me let you into my little private world in this little place called Abilene. Here, almost every night, I open my doors to friends to come over to have dinner with my roommate and I. Part of this, so called "ministry" is to build bridges in order to share the gospel with many of our friends who aren't Christians. So, though this little "kenduri" of ours, we have managed to reach out to people, getting acquainted with them. One of these friends is none other than Chigusa, who accepted the Lord last year.

I've been doing this for sometime now, and I'm been blessed that despite all of this, I am able to still maintain my finances pretty tight. Well, good thing that cooking is a relatively cheap hobby here in the US. Heheh.... ^_^;

Anyway, with bridges built, many of my friends turn to me to have their life straightened out. Imagine Freud. Trying to be the superman (or the super Christian) that I am not, I gave myself to others, hoping that my help might somehow in turn lead them to knowing God more. I won't call it an evangelism out-reach ministry, but well, it's the ultimate goal that I always hope to fulfill. However, being carried away with just giving, I have forgotten that I, too, needed to receive.

Nonetheless, knowing that I have very little left in the bank account of my heart, I was too proud to accept any help from others. I continued in trying to do everything by myself, and in the end, I burned out.

Now, you can imagine just how much work it is to balance out my now hectic life, evident through my lack of blogging. I not only have to cook for a bunch of people, but I also had to listen and talk to people who needed help, while studying all at the same time. I realized that, even in my enthusiasm to do God's work, it's easy to just give, and pride myself with not wanting to receive. Furthermore, I guess it's easy to get carried away with trying to be the lone wolf of God. Living the Christian life, while trying to be the superman of God is not just impossible, it is a form of idolatry, trying to leave God out of the equation, thinking you could do things by your own strength.

Back to paiseh-ness. If there is just one thing I'd like to remove from my system right now, it would be that of being paiseh. While the world out there have intentionally rejected Jesus' free gift, I have something to say: we as Christians are no better. With lips we claim to receive Jesus' gift, but our actions directly contradict that. I have realized that in my own life -- how I am just so proud to want to receive anything. Receiving is just as important than giving. Mankind can still choose to give abundantly, while possibly at the same time deny the Christ, only to land into the depths of hell.

We've all heard of the Dead Sea, which keeps receiving but never gives, and because of that, it very salty. Well, if we give too much, we're going to end up penniless. Anyway, I leave you all with a provoking thought: it's time to check your balance.

My New Year Psalm

Psalm 27

Of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.